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Sent in via Kumica…

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“You screw her again.”

A foursome is waiting on the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all of those f—ing lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

He survived, but it will be awhile before he plays golf again!

Click the picture to view a larger version, courtesy of Helmut.
The photo looks original. Does anyone know where this can be found or what the title is?

Courtesy of Kuma.

../mk

A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars . .” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them … it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says the man, “neither did I, until you shined that light in her face”.

Courtesy of Roberto…

../mk

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.” “Sure,” they said,

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.” “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?” “I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”

“Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…..”