knoop.org

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He
 breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a 
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.

 While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top 
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
 
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, ‘Listen, 
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably 
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw 
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t 
complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much 
he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets 
angry, he’ll kill us both.  Be strong, honey. I love you!’


His wife responds, ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any 
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you,
too.’

Sent in via Kumica…

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“You screw her again.”

A foursome is waiting on the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all of those f—ing lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

He survived, but it will be awhile before he plays golf again!

Click the picture to view a larger version, courtesy of Helmut.
The photo looks original. Does anyone know where this can be found or what the title is?

Courtesy of Kuma.

../mk

A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars . .” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them … it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says the man, “neither did I, until you shined that light in her face”.