What is your first request?’ 

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse.’ 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.  As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.  ’You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?’

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.  As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. 

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.  ’You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.  ’What is your last request?’ 

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse….alone.’   The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. 

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, ’Listen very carefully you dumb horse. For the last time … BRING POSSEEEE’


His wife responds, ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any 
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you,
too.’

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“You screw her again.”

She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all of those f—ing lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

He survived, but it will be awhile before he plays golf again!

../mk

A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars . .” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them … it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says the man, “neither did I, until you shined that light in her face”.

../mk

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.” “Sure,” they said,

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.” “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?” “I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”

“Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…..”

../mk

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he would ask his manager about it.

Walking in the back room, the boy said to his manager “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so the added “And this gentlemen has kindly offered to buy the other half “.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think and react this quick. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir.” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there. ”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

“I’m sorry but I’m not medical staff, I can’t help you with that” she replies.

“Oh, please have a look for me, I’m really worried; Are my testicles black?”

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says “Alright, I’ll have a look for you”. She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, “No, they look fine to me”.

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says “I said, Are my test results back?”